So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
