I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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