umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
