Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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