my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
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