I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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