So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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