happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
