Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You are the jesus of drinking
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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