I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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