He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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