He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize