The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
