Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
