Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
