I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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