Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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