i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
