A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
