I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
