please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
