im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
