Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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