Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
