Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
