I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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