i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i think my mom watched the whole time
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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