he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he shaved USA in his pubs
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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