Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
