"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize