He asked to "fluff my boner.."
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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