She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
