cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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