The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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