I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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