I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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