He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
