Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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