It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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