I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
