Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
