Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
