i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
