I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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