Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
