im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
