It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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