My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
