I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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