he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
