mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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