I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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