the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Houston, we have a blender
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
