he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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