Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
