Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
