you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
