I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize