i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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