before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
As shirtless as possible
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
