i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
