OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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