he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The feeling are messing with the penis
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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