im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You have to summon your inner elephant
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
