I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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