i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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